When I blabbed to everyone I knew that I was going to interview Dwight, nobody asked “Dwight who?” Instead, they offered advice. “Hey, start off with the word Question” (the preface used by Dwight on the hit TV show The Office whenever he is about to ask something he considers important). While I didn’t take their advice I did realize that Rainn Wilson—or more accurately, Dwight K. Schrute—has achieved single-name status, in my circle at least, offering hope to less famous nerds living in quiet desperation. Here then is a leader for them, a patron saint elevating the paper shredder to iconic level.

I only watch TV one night a week, and then it’s The Office. At other times I catch the show online or rent it on DVD, scouring everything, including the extras for the big laugh that will surely come. And so I know all about Dwight. So much so that I could even fabricate his back story — my guess is that as a child he got into trouble regularly for using his BB gun against his neighbor’s pets. He flunked English and saw no point in art, but achieved straight A’s in science after building a shortwave radio to spy on Russian agents living in nearby Lackawanna County. He raised chinchillas for meat and hides, using ever y part of the animal, right down to the teeth and claws for decorative necklaces that he sold at his roadside beet stand. Facts: Dwight ’s forebears are Amish and he would have gone on a lifelong rumspringer if he did not consider himself morally superior to most other human beings. Having a worm farm since kindergarten, Dwight is currently the world’s leading authority on night crawlers. Still, I was a bit nervous in talking to the man who had the power to make me laugh harder than anyone on TV.

I had many questions, and one problem, which was not what to ask but who to ask it of. Like many of you, I get Dwight and Rainn confused. With that in mind, I decided to inter view them separately. Oh, and I didn’t begin the interview with the word Question, because Rainn would have thought, Here we go again, and Dwight would have countered with another question.

Risen Magazine: Hello Dwight. I have a few
questions I would like you to answer.

Dwight Schrute: Sure thing.

RM: What are the origins of agritourism?

DS: Agritoursim began in the Middle Ages when owners of castles would rent their rooms to crusaders on their way to the Holy land. They learned various farming techniques. The Macedonians were very good at that. [Laughter]

RM: Do your Amish roots cause conflict about things like using buttons and driving a car to work?

DS: My ancestors are Amish, but I am not Amish. I am a big fan of buttons and modern technology. I try and incorporate the modern world with the more primal world. For instance, if my computer goes dead, I could use it as a blunt instrument to kill a stag. [Hard laughter]

RM: You have a fairly constant smirk. I assume that’s because you’re on the verge of laughing at all the funny things you hear and say.

DS: No, it’s because I’m a better person than those around me.

RM: I once heard you say that you love Michael Scott more than his mother does. Is that true?

DS: Yes, I love him more than his mother love him. Without even thinking I would put a letter opener through my jugular for Michael Scott, in a second, in a heartbeat. [Hard laughter]

RM: Rainn, same question: Do you think Dwight loves Michael more than his mother does?

Rainn Wilson: I get a sense that everyone loves Michael Scott more than his mother loves him. At some point, season five or six, we have got to introduce Michael Scott ’s mother.

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